"American Idol" winner, dating news, and Tyra Banks

Hello again! Sorry it has been so long without a new post. I know all of you have just been dying to hear from me! Here's what I have cared about (or not cared about) in the last week or so:


- Jordin Sparks won "American Idol" last night. I know that is a girl, but that's about it. Some tool with frosted tips lost.

- A battle began on "The View" yesterday between... You guessed it! Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Something about troops being terrorists or some nonsense.

The fight went something like this:

Rosie - "I'm a liberal!"
Elisabeth - "I'm a conservative!"
Rosie - "Donald Trump is to blame for all the wars in the world!"
Elisabeth - "You're being glib! How annoying can I possibly be?!"

I may be taking some liberties there, but I'm pretty sure that was the basic plot of the argument. Go here to watch the video and see what really happened. Now Rosie may be leaving the show early. She is set to leave in three weeks. Rosie wasn't on "The View" today, but she's just gone for her partner Kelli's birthday.

- I regret to inform you that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" are engaged. She's 20, by the way. Congratulations. I'll let you know when they file for divorce.

- Ohhhh... Dina Lohan just got BUSTED! She told Us, "I've read all these things, like I said I'm the White Oprah ... I've never said that in my entire life! It's completely ridiculous." Is it? IS IT? Because she told Star Magazine last year, "I love to talk. Lindsay's friends call me 'The White Oprah' because they all come to me with their problems." You liar!

- "KISS MY FAT ASS!" These were the words we heard Tyra Banks scream as she slapped her own ass on her talk show a few months ago. After months of talking about how much she doesn't care that she's fat and how she worked so hard all those years as a model that they are willing to retouch her now, Tyra is eating her words. Well, I guess actually "lean turkey sandwiches and loads of fresh-cut veggies and fruit." Ty-ty has gone on a diet and has lost thirty pounds recently, despite being oh-so comfortable with her weight. Girl couldn't even last five months with what some of us have lasted twenty years. Weak!

- I found this article on MSN today. MSN proposes to VH1 which celebrities they want for "Celebreality" shows. My suggestion for a VH1 reality show: I hate to admit this, but Tyra Banks. I would watch it. Every day probably. I just want a camera to follow her around all day so I can make fun of everything she does. She's like my heroin (not heroine, as in hero... I mean the drug). I resist the urge to partake in any of Tyra's television shows daily. But sure enough, Wednesday at 8pm rolls around and I'm right in front of the TV anxious to see what idiotic stuff Tyra will do on "America's Next Top Model". Then I get in my bed to go to sleep and get sucked in to reruns of "The Tyra Banks Show" on Oxygen. I mean really, how am I supposed to sleep when Tyra has an "America's Next Top Drag Queen" contest going on? She is to blame for my insomnia. There's just so much joy every time I see that pained look in her eye when she introduces a new segment on her talk show, like "I'm so embarrassed to be saying this but... Please welcome Stacia, who is a two foot tall stripper." So VH1, the crack-addicted side of my personality begs of you to start a reality show with Tyra Banks as the star. But the side of me that wants to have a life begs of you never to give her more air time...EVER!

- Nicole Richie claims she is not in rehab though The National Enquirer and Star are reporting that Nicole has been in rehab for a pain-killer addiction and anorexia and that she weighs 83 pounds.

- Brittany Murphy might have married Simon Monjack to keep him from getting deported.

- Oprah's dad is writing a book about her and she is pissed.

- Amy Winehouse married Blake Fielder-Civil last weekend.

- Donna Lynn Hogan wants to be just like sissy Anna Nicole Smith. She is giving herself a birthday present of new boobs and dying her hair bleach blonde. This is all in attempt to make it in Playboy. This from the woman who wrote Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith.

- Napoleon Dynamite star Jon Heder and his wife, Kirsten, had a girl named Evan Jane Heder this week.

- Cameron Diaz might be dating "Mindfreak" Criss Angel. Most of you know my theory about couples looking alike, and I can see a resemblance here. If you can get past all the eyeliner and hair...on him.

- Jessica Simpson and John Mayer broke up. Or they didn't. I don't know! I'm so confused!

- "Weeds" is coming back August 13. Guess who is stopping by Agrestic? Mary-Kate Olsen... What the hell?

- "Big Love" starts it's second season with a move to Monday nights on June 11.

Wow! That was a lot of stuff I neglected to report on! I'm sure there's a lot I missed, so there may be a few updates in your near future!

Photo by: Frank Micelotta / Getty

NBC Fall TV Lineup Announced

I know all of you are just giddy with anticipation to find out if your favorite shows are coming back next year.

NBC announced their 2007 TV Lineup this morning. The best show on television, "The Office", is back next year with a move to 9pm on Thursdays and five hour long episodes throughout the year. Expect more sexual tension between Jim and Pam. I also suspect the Dwangela (Dwight-Angela) relationship will be brought out into the public. "Comedy Night Done Right" will go like this: "My Name is Earl", 8pm; "30 Rock", 8:30pm; "The Office", 9pm; "Scrubs", 9:30pm; "ER", 10pm. "Scrubs" has narrowly avoided cancellation yet again, but is back with only 18 episodes next year. "ER" is flat-lining and could be moved from it's permanent Thursdays at 10pm spot. "Heroes" has spawned it's own spin-off with "Heroes: Origins" taking over during their hiatus. "Law & Order" will be back in January, but "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" will be moving to the USA Network. NBC is also making Friday night "Game Night" with lots of...wait for it...game shows and will round out the night with the audience-fav "Friday Night Lights", a prime example of how the viewers can convince a network to bring a show back. Not on the schedule... "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip". New shows will be "Bionic Woman", appealing to the "Heroes" demographic, and "Lipstick Jungle", appealing to the sexually curious twentysomething demographic.

As for ABC, they announced Addison Shepherd will officially be moving to LA this fall with her new show "Private Practice". Let's hope they get rid of the Elevator God stuff and stick to relationship drama...and perhaps some medical stuff, as well. ABC also said "Lost" won't be returning until January, but they will run it the same as this year with no repeats.

Some finales take place this week. Click here for a full schedule. I don't watch CBS except for Monday nights. Their comedy night isn't so bad, since nothing else comes on on Mondays. "How I Met Your Mother" has it's series finale tonight at 8pm. When this series first debuted, I thought it sucked. But it has only gotten better with time. The highlight of the show is womanizing Barney, played by Neil Patrick Harris, the only gay actor that can play a straight character and successfully make me forget that he is gay in real life (T.R. Knight aka George O'Malley might want to work on this). Also, CBS has finally pulled the plug (thank you!) and "The King of Queens" has it's final show EVER tonight. As you can tell, I am distraught over the loss of this show. We bid adieu forever to Lorelai and Rory on "Gilmore Girls" tomorrow night. The newest model to not really have a career post-win will be chosen Wednesday night on "America's Next Top Model". All of NBC's shows wrap up this Thursday night. How will Jim react to Pam's confession from last week? Tune in to "The Office" from 8-9pm to find out! "Ugly Betty" ends it's season this week, but I don't watch this so I have nothing funny to quip about here. "Grey's Anatomy" also airs it's season finale this week and I'm sure we'll be left with some emotionally devastating cliffhanger. For example... Will George transfer to another hospital to save his ridiculous marriage to Callie (not me) and leave Izzie in a pouty close-up freeze frame? We'll have to wait and find out this Thursday night!

I hope your some of your favorites got picked up again this year! Hopefully some new shows are on the horizon that don't involve bachelors, desperate woman, fame seekers, Tyra Banks, or Flava Flav (just kidding - I would watch any of his shows. Don't judge me.) Enjoy your season finales this week!

Stalkarazzi

I walked out of my apartment last night to see the usual crowd of people waiting to eat at Da Silvano, the restaurant below our apartment. I saw a skinny blondish girl sitting on the bench, smoking, texting on her BlackBerry, wearing tightass black jeans, a white jacket, and one of those terrible white fedora hats that girls continue to insist upon wearing. Britney and K-Fed couldn't pull it off and neither can anyone else.

As the girl looked up to exhale, I realized it was Lindsay Lohan. She saw me looking and smirking to myself. This only fed her already giant ego. Since I have nothing better to do with my time and drop everything when I see celebs, I stood around outside chatting on my cell phone aka watching Lindsay slyly (or so I thought). Soon after this, her latest manskank, Calum Best, the British equivalent of Carson Daly, showed up and they were whisked into the restaurant and seated at a very nice table. Which I could still see.

Seconds later, Lindsay reaches over and shoves her tongue down Calum's throat. I am greatly offended by DDA (Disgusting Displays of Affection), so I decided it was time to go back inside. I thought you people might enjoy the details of my encounter. Or as someone else appropriately called me, stalkarazzi.

Photo: Splash News Online

Fame-Stealers and Jail Terms

- Dina Lohan is trying to steal her daughter's spotlight...yet again. Dina has been hired by "Entertainment Tonight" to interview celebrities as they walk down the red carpet at the Georgia Rule premiere. She wants to launch a high-profile TV career and get Rosie's spot on "The View", but sources say "ET" is just using her to get the Lindsay exclusive during the wake of her recent cocaine scandle. London's News of the World has published pictures of a girl snorting a white substance and claiming it is Lindsay Lohan in a "marathon binge".

- Paris Hilton is pleading with Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her from serving jail time for her crimes. She is also asking her fans to sign a petition to keep her out of that orange jumpsuit. Don't be surprised if you don't find my name on that petition.

- Now this is what I like to hear! A celebrity owning up to their actions! Paris, take notes. George Michael has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of drugs. He stated, "I am perfectly aware that I did something very wrong . . . and I'm perfectly prepared to accept the correct punishment." He will find out what his jail term will be on May 30.

- It's been a rough week for celebrities. Ty Pennington of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" has been charged with a DUI, along with the rest of Hollywood.

- Brittany Murphy has married her boyfriend, Simon Monjack, after only a few short months. Only nine months ago, she broke off her engagement to Joe Macaluso.

- Katie Couric could be out of a job soon. "CBS Evening News" had record low ratings last week.

- Now you can smell "Dirrty" like Christina Aguilera. She is getting her own perfume.

- If you want to know who wins "The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman", then click here.

- Yes! Bravo's "Top Chef" is heading to Miami and premieres June 13 at 10pm.

- For years, I have been hearing how phenomenal "Veronica Mars" is. Well, upon seeing a promo that one of my many boyfriends, Paul Rudd, was going to be on last night, I took the plunge and watched. I came to the conclusion that I haven't been missing much.

- So now the pot has called the kettle "trash". Regarding Britney Spears' rehab relationship with Howie Day, a source says Kevin Federline stated, "You have to head to the dump to find trash, referring to how Britney and Howie met while in rehab.” Britney must have been spending a lot of time in dumps in 2004 when she met you, K-Fed.

Paris Hilton Heading to the Slammer

I never thought this would happen, but Paris Hilton is going to begin serving 45 days in jail for multiple driving offenses on June 5.

She was arrested for a DUI back in September and has been caught driving with a suspended license several times since then. Paris won't get off easy with an ankle bracelet like some celebs. The judge, Michael T. Sauer, decided she should serve the actual time for her offenses. A tearful Paris told the judge, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The judge told Paris he did not believe her claims that she didn't know her license was suspended. She claimed her rep Elliot Mintz told her her license was valid, but "she had paperwork in her car stating that her license was suspended".

Paris' mom, Kathy, is very upset over her daughter's incarceration and told the judge, "I want your autograph. This is pathetic." Before she left the court, Kathy also said, "I can't believe all the money we spent on this."

I'm in shock!! I'll let you know if I can find out any more information.

- Jay-Z is alive and well. TMZ reported earlier today that Jay-Z might be one of the people on a plane that crashed in Asheville, NC. But the rap mogul is doing fine.

- Want to know David Hasselhoff's side of his divorce story? He has released a very long statement.

- Anne Hathaway's boyfriend, Raffaelo Follieri, is being sued for millions and might be hooking up with other ladies.

Now you have something to talk about at those parties this weekend.

TV News and Scientology Weirdos

So happy it's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

- We can finally find out what will become of Tommy amongst the flames. "Rescue Me" is officially back with a vengeance on June 12. Woohoo!! Showing up at the fire house this season is Jennifer Esposito, who filed for divorce this week from Bradley Cooper (Wet Hot American Summer). Also back on F/X, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". Sounds like a warm and fuzzy show, doesn't it? Well, you couldn't be more fooled by the title. This show has been deemed "'Seinfeld' on crack", and that's exactly what it is. In one show, brother and sister actually decide to try out crack and end up on welfare. No, this isn't a drama. It's a comedy, and it's absolutely hysterical. And totally offensive, so I don't recommend it for the sensitive.

- Matthew Modine will be showing up in Agrestic to stir up some trouble on "Weeds" this summer.

- It saddens me to tell you this, but Stars Hollow will be throwing a farewell party on May 15. The drama of will-they-or-won't-they-renew has finally been answered. "Gilmore Girls" will be finito after this season. For all two of you who watch this show besides me, tune in to the series finale to find out what happens to Luke and Lorelai and if Rory will accept Logan's proposal.

- More TV news... For those of you who are waiting for the DVD to join the nation's latest obsession, "Heroes" will be released on DVD August 28.

- Liv Tyler is going to be playing Betty Ross in the upcoming Hulk movie. Playing The Hulk... Edward Norton.

- Britney Spears performed again last night...for a mere eleven minutes. Well worth the $300 some people paid. La Lohan made an appearance to see Brit mouth the words to her famous songs.

- Kate Walsh, aka Addison on "Grey's Anatomy, is dating Alex Young, a hot shot at 20th Century Fox.

- The battle for Ireland begins today, but Alec Baldwin won't be making it to court.

- "I can see how people wouldn't see this, but when you look at Kate now [compared to] when she first met Tom, she's more confident and more knowing who she is than ever before. You can see it in her pictures. She looks more beautiful and more confident and more assured. I've watched that metamorphosis – how Kate has blossomed into this woman. Because her life changed very quickly, she moved from one person into another." - Jada Pinkett Smith spoke to People about "Kate Cruise" and how she "ain't no little wimpy kitty cat". When I see Katie in pictures, I don't think strong, confident woman. I think she looks sedated. This interview has a rancid, and kind of ghetto, odor of bullshit. Also weighing in on the issue, Leah Remini. She says, "I really don't get it. They're married, they love each other and have a beautiful baby. They do 'weird' things like take care of their kid and go to baseball games." Well, I would believe you, Leah. But seeing as you are a Scientologist and believe that aliens live inside of us, it's a little hard for me to just take your word for it, girl.

She's Baaaaaack!!

Britney Spears performed her first live show in three years last night at the House of Blues in San Diego. The show was not publicized and the venue had "The M&Ms" listed as the performer for the evening. Somehow word got out that it might be a surprise Britney show and tickets went for $125.

Britney opened with "Baby One More Time" and wore a brown wig throughout the show, which only lasted fifteen minutes. TMZ has some of the hoochie-mama footage here.