The Spawn of Gayken

In the past few months that I've been away from Pop Guru, little has slipped by me. I've still kept up with all the latest news - Miley Cyrus' skankified Vanity Fair pics, Lindsay Lohan's lesbian affair (ahem, old news), Britney Spears' tropical vacay with Mel Gibson, even Melissa Joan Hart's potty training troubles (why People insists on constantly updating us on her life is beyond me) - but none of this inspired my usual rants and raves. However, that has been put to an end today.

My friends, today is the day that I found out some horrifying news that shook me to my very core. News so shocking that it had the power to wake me from my blogging slumber. Prepare yourselves because what I'm about to say will undoubtedly cause you to run screaming for the hills. Are you sitting down? You should really sit down. Ok... Here goes... Clay Aiken has... wait for it... impregnated a woman. Ahhhhh!!! I know! I couldn't believe it either. I can practically feel the chills tingling down your spine at this very moment.



When I first saw the headline "Clay Aiken to Be a Dad", a million thoughts ran through my mind. Gayken is going to be a father? How is this so?! He has never even kissed a woman, for goodness sakes, much less gotten excited enough to impregnate one! This cannot be so. So I click upon the link only to see... BLOCKED!!! Nooooooooooo!!!! My employer had blocked the site that was my yellow brick road to this juicy Emerald City of gossip! What is a girl to do? Oh, the horror!

Luckily, People finally updated their site with the news and I was able to stop hyperventilating. Turns out Gayken has sperminated his dear friend and music producer Jaymes Foster. Wait... What?! I know Gayken could never sleep with a woman (you know what I'm talking about, Tom Cruise), so how did he impregnate a man named Jaymes? I'm so confused! Is this the pregnant man we keep hearing so much about on "Oprah"? Actually, it is a woman named Jaymes (interesante...) that is just a friend wanting to have a child with Gayken - no strings attached. Reps still made no comment on Gayken's sexuality (honestly, why bother?). The little bundle of joy is due in August. Do you need any help coming up with names, Gayken? I'm really good at that. For a girl, I suggest Barbra or Liza. Maybe Judy. Oh, or even Cher! I'm thinking if it's a boy you should call him Rock. Or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris. Yes, that's it! We shall call him NPH Gayken, Jr. Beautiful... Just beautiful...

And while I'm sharing happy news, I thought you might like to know some other joyous news I recently found out. My Sunday nights have been so terribly boring these past couple of months with no "Rock of Love" to look forward to. Sunday around 9pm only brought a dark void in my life and a reminder that Bret Michaels had found love with Ambre and there was nothing I could do to tear them apart in hopes of another season. But someone must have heard my prayers because VH1 has decided to produce "Rock of Love Girls: Charm School"!! Groupie lovers rejoice because we've got a whole season of Bret's girls getting whipped into shape - with Sharon Osbourne on hand to teach them some manners. Which just bewilders me because isn't this Mrs. Manners the same lady that threw a ham through her neighbor's window for being too loud? But I digress. Nothing can get in the way of the pure bliss I feel. I can hear the faint chants of people across America shouting, "Bring Daisy back! Bring Daisy back!" More FACE TIME! with Peyton! This is just too amazing for words. Oh, man. I can't wait!!! I'm already planning my premiere party.

Pictures Galore!

It's kind of a slow news day in the celebrity world... Well, except Britney Spears running a red light with her children and a court-appointed monitor in the car. Somebody just commit her already!

Since I'm a member over at WireImage now, I get to scour through lots of pictures of celebrities attending premieres, parties, galas, and the occasional paparrazi stakeout on the street. I feel like sharing the wealth today so several posts are to follow of pictures of glamourous celebs attending glamorous events.

First up...

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at the premiere of Lions for Lambs (which is getting shiteaous reviews) - Is he trying to force her to be so much like him that he made her get his exact same haircut? Ease up, Tom.

Photo: WireImage

TV News and Scientology Weirdos

So happy it's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

- We can finally find out what will become of Tommy amongst the flames. "Rescue Me" is officially back with a vengeance on June 12. Woohoo!! Showing up at the fire house this season is Jennifer Esposito, who filed for divorce this week from Bradley Cooper (Wet Hot American Summer). Also back on F/X, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". Sounds like a warm and fuzzy show, doesn't it? Well, you couldn't be more fooled by the title. This show has been deemed "'Seinfeld' on crack", and that's exactly what it is. In one show, brother and sister actually decide to try out crack and end up on welfare. No, this isn't a drama. It's a comedy, and it's absolutely hysterical. And totally offensive, so I don't recommend it for the sensitive.

- Matthew Modine will be showing up in Agrestic to stir up some trouble on "Weeds" this summer.

- It saddens me to tell you this, but Stars Hollow will be throwing a farewell party on May 15. The drama of will-they-or-won't-they-renew has finally been answered. "Gilmore Girls" will be finito after this season. For all two of you who watch this show besides me, tune in to the series finale to find out what happens to Luke and Lorelai and if Rory will accept Logan's proposal.

- More TV news... For those of you who are waiting for the DVD to join the nation's latest obsession, "Heroes" will be released on DVD August 28.

- Liv Tyler is going to be playing Betty Ross in the upcoming Hulk movie. Playing The Hulk... Edward Norton.

- Britney Spears performed again last night...for a mere eleven minutes. Well worth the $300 some people paid. La Lohan made an appearance to see Brit mouth the words to her famous songs.

- Kate Walsh, aka Addison on "Grey's Anatomy, is dating Alex Young, a hot shot at 20th Century Fox.

- The battle for Ireland begins today, but Alec Baldwin won't be making it to court.

- "I can see how people wouldn't see this, but when you look at Kate now [compared to] when she first met Tom, she's more confident and more knowing who she is than ever before. You can see it in her pictures. She looks more beautiful and more confident and more assured. I've watched that metamorphosis – how Kate has blossomed into this woman. Because her life changed very quickly, she moved from one person into another." - Jada Pinkett Smith spoke to People about "Kate Cruise" and how she "ain't no little wimpy kitty cat". When I see Katie in pictures, I don't think strong, confident woman. I think she looks sedated. This interview has a rancid, and kind of ghetto, odor of bullshit. Also weighing in on the issue, Leah Remini. She says, "I really don't get it. They're married, they love each other and have a beautiful baby. They do 'weird' things like take care of their kid and go to baseball games." Well, I would believe you, Leah. But seeing as you are a Scientologist and believe that aliens live inside of us, it's a little hard for me to just take your word for it, girl.