Knocked Up: Halle Berry Edition

Today I was riding the elevator at work and the doors opened to reveal... Chris Hansen of NBC's "Dateline: To Catch a Predator". If ever I had a sensation to wet my pants, it was staring into those eyes that have made even the wiliest of pedophiles shake in their boots. For four solemn floors alone on an elevator with Chris Hansen, I kept thinking, "At what point are the cameras going to reveal themselves? No, little girl, I don't want any of your sweet tea!" I was terrified. Guess I didn't do anything wrong because he never even glanced over at me. Whew!

- Halle Berry is with child after being impregnated by her model beau, Gabriel Aubry.

- In other baby news, Paris Hilton is trying to catch up to Nicole Richie by popping out a few. Only problem: she isn't dating anyone. Please... That's just a minor detail. Paris says, "I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready." Perhaps you should just adopt Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. I've heard he's in need of some money.

- Drew Barrymore has been seen making out with the "I'm a Mac" guy Justin Long. That's a weird combo.

- Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams have split after three unexciting years together.

- Jenna Fischer, aka Pam from "The Office", and her husband James Gunn have split after six years together.

- Commercials for the DVD release of Georgia Rule are airing minus one important component... Lindsay Lohan. She has been erased from the commercial, I'm assuming to help sales. Do you mind erasing the horrible memory I have of going to see this terrible train wreck of a movie? Don't believe the hype, people. They advertise it as a hysterical family romp - but it has a more depressing, pedophilia vibe to it. Steer clear, my friends. Heed my warning!

- Poor Owen Wilson. He has had a rough couple of weeks. The National Enquirer is now reporting that he has attempted suicide twice before his most recent effort. And his family is trying to keep Kate Hudson as far away from him as possible, and I can't say that I blame them.

- "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" starts next Thursday, September 13, on F/X at 10PM. Make sure you tune in! It's awesome, and wrong, but totally awesome!

I must now pack for the weekend and get some sleep!!

Photo: MSNBC

Online shopping, Laguna Beach, O.J., and much more...

Hola! Sorry for my absence. Here is an update on what's happened in the last week...

- That horrendous looking movie Wild Hogs beat out my boo's Zodiac this weekend at the box office.

- However, we have broken up as I have just heard that Jake Gyllenhaal is dating his costar, Reese Witherspoon, from the movie they are currently filming, Rendition. Although, I don't really believe it and I will definitely take him back when he comes crawling back to me to apologize.

- I'm excited because I just found out that Hot Fuzz is coming out in limited release on April 20. It is the second movie from the Brits that made Shaun of the Dead, one of the funniest movies I have seen in years. Definitely put that one on your Netflix Queue.

- Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson have come out as a couple and have been seen making out all over the place. Shocking since we didn't know you were shacking it up months ago.

- Britney Spears is struggling in rehab and her family is worried she will skip out early on her treatment. She has been buying thousands of dollars worth of clothes online, replacing an old addiction with a costly new one. I can't imagine how awful this time must be for her. Massages, shopping, publicity, all the cigarettes she wants...my heart aches for you, Britney.

- "Laguna Beach" star Jason Wahler has been sentenced to sixty days in jail after pleading no contest to a battery charge in LA. How will he ever cope without getting his hair highlighted for that long? What a shame.

- Naomi Campbell will be mopping the floors of New York's Sanitation Department after throwing a cell phone at her maid. In an ironic turn of events, the maid will be given a cell phone and allowed one free shot at Naomi as she mops.

- Heaven help us. Star Jones is getting her own TV show about criminal justice and popular culture. She also says she doesn't watch "The View" anymore, but prefers to read up on all the controversy in the tabloids. Duh. Who actually watches "The View"? It's called YouTube.

- In "I couldn't care less but some of you idiots might like to know this" news, Daniel Radcliffe has signed on for the last two films in the Harry Potter franchise.

- The freak show keeps getting weirder and weirder. O.J. Simpson might also be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn. They are still uncertain as to how Anna Nicole died, but I'm voting for Howard Stern in the parlor with a candlestick.

- Elizabeth Hurley has gotten married like sixteen times in four days. Congrats.

- Tori Spelling and her second husband Dean McDermott have just opened their new bed and breakfast, Chateau La Rue. It is named after their pug, Mimi La Rue. It is located in Fallbrook, CA, just 100 miles south of LA. I'm thinking road trip. Who's coming with me?

- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are adopting another kid, this time from Vietnam. When they get another one, they are planning on putting on little shows where the kids perform songs from the Jackson 5. But each one will sing in their native language. How cute.

That's all. Have a good week. I'll try to update more frequently if I can. Peace.