Knocked Up: Halle Berry Edition

Today I was riding the elevator at work and the doors opened to reveal... Chris Hansen of NBC's "Dateline: To Catch a Predator". If ever I had a sensation to wet my pants, it was staring into those eyes that have made even the wiliest of pedophiles shake in their boots. For four solemn floors alone on an elevator with Chris Hansen, I kept thinking, "At what point are the cameras going to reveal themselves? No, little girl, I don't want any of your sweet tea!" I was terrified. Guess I didn't do anything wrong because he never even glanced over at me. Whew!

- Halle Berry is with child after being impregnated by her model beau, Gabriel Aubry.

- In other baby news, Paris Hilton is trying to catch up to Nicole Richie by popping out a few. Only problem: she isn't dating anyone. Please... That's just a minor detail. Paris says, "I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready." Perhaps you should just adopt Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. I've heard he's in need of some money.

- Drew Barrymore has been seen making out with the "I'm a Mac" guy Justin Long. That's a weird combo.

- Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams have split after three unexciting years together.

- Jenna Fischer, aka Pam from "The Office", and her husband James Gunn have split after six years together.

- Commercials for the DVD release of Georgia Rule are airing minus one important component... Lindsay Lohan. She has been erased from the commercial, I'm assuming to help sales. Do you mind erasing the horrible memory I have of going to see this terrible train wreck of a movie? Don't believe the hype, people. They advertise it as a hysterical family romp - but it has a more depressing, pedophilia vibe to it. Steer clear, my friends. Heed my warning!

- Poor Owen Wilson. He has had a rough couple of weeks. The National Enquirer is now reporting that he has attempted suicide twice before his most recent effort. And his family is trying to keep Kate Hudson as far away from him as possible, and I can't say that I blame them.

- "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" starts next Thursday, September 13, on F/X at 10PM. Make sure you tune in! It's awesome, and wrong, but totally awesome!

I must now pack for the weekend and get some sleep!!

Photo: MSNBC

New Managers, Losing Kids, and Snake Venom

With all of my newfound fame, I guess I have to update more often now, huh?


- Britney Spears got herself a new manager, y'all! Not that anything will help her at this point, but Brit Brit has hired Jeff Kwatinez to manage her career... A man Kelly Clarkson once fired. I wonder what he will propose to save her from entertainment extinction?

- Oops, she did it again. I can't believe I just said that. Britney Spears actually made a smart move for once. Instead of a repeat performance of her now infamous greasy fingers OK! magazine feature, Britney canceled her interview with Allure four times. She did participate in the photo shoot for the mag and will be the September cover girl but since she never took the time to actually speak to the magazine, they are running a cover article with the title “Britney Spears: Tells Us Nothing and Everything.” I guess my mom was right... Silence is golden.

- Paris Hilton got a rash in jail? Are you sure she didn't have that before she turned herself in?

- There have been reports that Madonna may not be able to adopt little Malawian David, who I totally forgot existed. But Madge says not to worry about her expanding brood. “The information regarding the adoption that was reported on Reuters is simply not accurate,” Madonna’s rep Liz Rosenberg tells 24Sizzler.com.

- Turns out Jack Nicholson might have a couple of illegitimate children. Is anyone surprised? This man is known for sleeping with a different woman every day of the week, so I'm sure there's been a couple of accidents here or there. A new unauthorized biography is claiming that Jack has fathered a handicapped son and refuses to accept paternity. In Five Easy Decades, author Dennis McDougal writes that Nicholson is "known 'by most counts' to have one legitimate daughter and five love children". He also says, "There are two other possibles whom those closest to Jack whisper about, including one young man who lives with handicaps brought on by his actress mother's drug abuse... These are among the closely held secrets he has generally succeeded in keeping from his fans." Abe Somer, Jack's lawyer, tells Page Six, "The allegations of the handicapped son are false and inaccurate. There is no handicapped son of Mr. Nicholson."

- Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are about to duke it out in court again. Charlie wants to get rid of those pesky supervisors required during his time with his children, Lola and Sam. Page Six reports that Denise wants another baby so bad, that she even asked Charlie to father a new child. Charlie, however, is engaged to Brooke Mueller. Denise reportedly sent flowers to congratulate the newly engaged couple, but a source claims that Brooke never received any flowers but did receive an emergency call from Denise. When Brooke arrived to meet Denise and the kids, there was no emergency, but there was paparazzi conveniently at the scene. Denise denies this stating, "I did ask both Charlie and Brooke to lunch to see the kids - he hadn't seen them in two weeks - but only Brooke took me up on it. The paparazzi were already following me, as they do every day, and took a picture - and I have the bill for the flowers I sent from Mark's Garden. Brooke even showed my nanny the flowers." I wonder if those flowers stunk of shit like Denise's story?

- In other child custody news, Anne Heche and ex Coley Laffoon have been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluations to determine who should get custody of their son, Homer. Forget all the legal stuff anymore. Is there a way to just start taking kids from celebrities? Someone should look into that. (Ahem, Los Angeles Child Services - this means you.)

- Justin Timberlake is collaborating with Madonna and... Reba?!

- Gwyneth Paltrow uses snake venom as a cure for wrinkles? That's one of the weirdest things I've ever heard, but I'd probably try it as an alternative to the needles that come along with Botox.

- Maddox Jolie-Pitt turned six this weekend.

- Ah, election time. Rock the Vote, but remember it's your choice to keep your vote private. Or you can just be like celebrities and make your donations very well known. Below is a list of the political candidates and who is supporting them (and what some donated).

Team Obama: Jennifer Aniston ($2300), Halle Berry ($2300), Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, George Clooney, Tyra Banks
Team Clinton: Martha Stewart ($4600), Donald Trump Jr. ($4000)
Team Giuliani: Kelsey Grammar ($2300), Ben Stein ($750)

- If you've got some time to kill, I recommend watching several episodes of "Clark and Michael". It follows the adventures of Michael Cera (who those of you who are awesome know as George-Michael Bluth from "Arrested Development" and the upcoming Superbad) and BFF Clark Duke as they try to sell their script to the big-wigs in LA, to no avail. The interaction between the two is awkward but lovable and the rejection is hilarious, with one exec telling Michael he lacks appeal to audiences because of his lack of a jaw. The episodes are online though, so be prepared to spend some time in front of your computer. The opening credits themselves are pretty hysterical and so 80's, making that alone worth the first few minutes.

- This t-shirt is at the top of my birthday list...



Photos: Thesuperficial.com; shop.hasselhoff.com.

Weird Couples and Celebutante News

You just got PUNK'D! That's how I felt when I saw this picture of Kate Hudson and Dax Shepard. Apparently the two are dating. You all know Hudson from How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and Shepard from Employee of the Month... No? Did you not see that masterpiece starring Jessica Simpson? Well, he was also on the first season of "Punk'd" and in a Nick Lachey music video. And Dax proves that chivalry is, in fact, not dead as he has removed his sweaty, nasty shirt for Kate to smother her face with. Ahhh... How romantic!

- Lindsay Lohan busted out of rehab last Friday and has made an important decision... Regarding her accessories. LaLo's rep said: "On her own, she has also made the decision in support of her sobriety to wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet. In part she is wearing the bracelet so there are no questions about her sobriety if she chooses to go dancing or dining in a place where alcohol is served." And first stop out of rehab was, of course, going clubbing. But only "in part", as Linds was only partaking of water and energy drinks. (You can see the bracelet around her ankle in this picture.)

- And in other clubbing rehabilitated starlet news, Britney Spears will host the opening of LAX nightclub next month in Las Vegas.

- Winona Ryder is on the August cover of Vogue and for the first time, she's finally talking about her arrest for shoplifting back in December 2001. She's blaming her five finger discount on too many painkillers. Uh, I thought you were researching a role, Winona? I liked that excuse better.

- Brace yourselves... Paris Hilton is working on a new album. I can't wait!

- Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell were married this last Saturday at a BBQ-turned-surprise-wedding. Surprise - nobody cares.

- Some people do get second chances! NBC has hired ex-"Grey's Anatomy" actor Isaiah Washington for five episodes on their new show "Bionic Woman". There has been a lot of buzz around this show from Internet geeks, but this may ward off many gay viewers after Isaiah's use of the F word back on the "Grey's" set.

- I'm sure to get my Jim Halpert fix when "The Office" returns September 27 with four hour-long episodes! Woo! It will run against "Grey's Anatomy", which will take second place to The Guru and be watched on DVR at a later time. Sorry, Meredith. Maybe you shouldn't whine so much and I would watch you more.

- Apparently Shrek and Fiona have been getting busy after Shrek the Third because there are going to be two more movies in the series.

- Sharon Stone is dating Craig Ferguson, the Scottish host of The Late Late Show on CBS.

- Well, it's about time somebody beat the shit out of Andy Dick! Jon Lovitz was pissed over a comment Dick made about his old friend Phil Hartman a year ago. Dick told him, "I put the 'Phil Hartman hex' on you - you're the next one to die." Lovitz said, "I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women." Apparently Dick is the one who gave Phil's wife, Brynn, cocaine after she had been sober for ten years. And months later, she shot Phil and herself. So when Lovitz saw Dick at The Laugh Factory last weekend, he expected an apology which he, of course, did not receive. He then "picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." I can't say I blame the guy.

- Bridget Monyahan is set to give birth to Tom Brady's baby this Friday, which just happens to be his current girlfriend Gisele Bundchen's birthday. Tension is high and things aren't so great between Tom and Gisele, according to Page Six.

- High School Musical 2 will air on Disney on August 17 at 8pm. I still never saw the first one. I guess I should Netflix it... Strictly for the benefit of Pop Guru.

- Who knew there was such a demand for paternity tests and biracial relationships with redneck little people? "Maury" and "The Jerry Springer Show" have been renewed through 2010.

Photos: Ramey and Splash

Transform Your Mind!

I'm one of those people that will go see a movie even if I think it looks stupid. I want to see it so when people bring it up, I can go, "UGH!! That movie was awful! I can't believe you liked it. I mean, if I have to watch Cameron Diaz shake her ass one more time..." But I will see Cameron Diaz shake her ass one more time because I will inevitably see her next terrible movie...just to complain about it. It is a vicious cycle, my friends.

Well, this is what I was expecting when I entered the theater to see Transformers. All I knew about it was that there was some cartoon when we were little about cars that transform into robots or something weird like that and the kid from "Even Stevens" who is "the next Tom Hanks" was in it. But I also knew it was supposed to be the biggest movie of the summer, so I figured why the hell not? It'll give me something to complain about. Boy, was I ever wrong! This movie is awesome! Never in a million years did I think robot battles would be something I would be interested in, but it is! The digital work on this film is unbelievable! I actually believed Optimus Prime and Megatron were flying through the sky right at me! I kept hearing about how Shia LaBeouf is going to be the biggest star ever after this movie and I never doubted that fact. But now, I am a converted Shia lover! His comedic timing is priceless. I didn't think this movie would be funny, but it is quite entertaining in both drama and comedy. A dramedy, if you will.

Transformers isn't just for guys, but I will say that, of course, it appeals to men more than women. But seriously, who wouldn't believe that women in the CIA are eighteen and straight out of Playboy? C'mon, you know that's like a requirement to even be considered by the CIA. So if you have nothing to do one day, I highly recommend heading to the cinema to see Transformers. I found it thoroughly entertaining.

But on with the news...

- Us Weekly's cover this week features Nicole Richie and the line "Yes, She's Pregnant!" Sources also say she will be marrying the papa, Joel Madden of the band Good Charlotte. This is a pretty elaborate scheme to get out of the slammer if you ask me. Hopefully now she will eat something.

- E! News is reporting that Christina Aguilera is expecting a bundle of joy with her husband, Jordan Bratman.

- Heaven help us... Paris Hilton is taking acting classes.

- The "Sex and the City" movie is back on. Women across America rejoice and break out your Manolos, condoms, and Cosmopolitans!

- Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were photographed getting down and dirty in a hot tub in Mexico on their anniversary. Nick had this to say about the scandal: "I was in Mexico with my girlfriend of a year, celebrating our anniversary on a private vacation. It's not like I was caught with a Mexican hooker."

- Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are supposedly getting married Friday (but I've also heard Saturday).

- Johnny Knoxville has filed for divorce after twelve years of marriage. Funny that he is the one filing for divorce. I didn't think any woman could put up with him at all, much less his love of nose candy, broken bones, stapling body parts together, letting alligators bite his nipples, getting hit with paint balls... Shall I go on?

- Drew Barrymore has been seen making out with... Zach Braff? Huh?! I didn't see this one coming!

- Perez Hilton is reporting that Rachael Ray and her husband, John Cusimano, are breaking up. However, Us Weekly says this rumor is just crap...like Rachael's food!

- Nelly Furtado is engaged to some dude named Demo Castellon.

- And finally, I'd like to explain to Britney Spears that an acting part in a movie is spelled "role". The Little Debbie snack she loves is called a Chocolate "Roll". I can see how she'd get confused... This is what Britney wrote on her website:



Photos: perezhilton.com, Wire Image, Us Weekly, Britney Spears' Website

This bitch is back!

What up, people?!?! After a couple weeks of luxurious vacay and some adjusting back to the real world, I'm finally getting around to posting after much harassment. So sorry!! I bet you didn't even know that Paris is out of jail without me around. Well, she is. And she's still full of shit.


- Paris Hilton has promised to devote her life to charity work now that she is out of jail. She is dressing more conservatively and vows to stop speaking so high (which happens when she is feeling nervous or shy, or whenever she feels like hiding her real man voice). But all these things can wait while she spends some time in the hotel pool in Hawaii. Wow... What growth.

- Oh, and one more thing... Did you believe Paris when she told Larry King she had never done drugs of any kind? Ha! Me neither!! Who did? But the celebutante must have forgotten about some home videos and pictures of her drug use. That lying beyotch!! Please to enjoy...


- I know this is the pot calling the kettle black (in a non-racist way), but damn, Oprah... Could you be anymore self-absorbed? Oprah is opening a store devoted to herself in Chicago where you can buy Oprah magazines, Oprah tote bags, Oprah DVDs, and anything else you might need to fill your Oprah void.

- iPhone was finally released on Friday. People began to line up last Monday to be first to purchase the $600 phone/iPod/web browser/camera. Apparently these people are rich and jobless because they had a free week to stand in front of the Apple store. Must be nice.

- Kevin Federline is refusing to sign divorce papers because of "concern over Britney Spears's recent behavior". When asked to elaborate, K-Fed said he is concerned Britney is spending far too little money and he is willing to be her shoulder to buy, uh cry, on.

- Jessica Simpson's new movie Blonde Ambition has been pushed back to a late August release date, supposedly because the movie is so horrible.

- Ryan Gosling has won a part in Peter Jackson's adaptation of The Lovely Bones. The book was pretty good and anything with Ryan is something worth seeing, so this might turn out to be a really good flick.

- Penelope Cruz pitched a fit when her plane was delayed and demanded she and her luggage be allowed to deplane. Really? This is possible? That would have been helpful to know last time I had to sit on the smallest plane ever for three extra hours because we were 70th to take off. I would have been arrested for a stunt like this, but Penelope gets away with it. I didn't like her much before, but now she has really taken the top spot on my shit list. Well, La Lohan is still #1, but Penelope is a close #2.

- In other celebrity bitchfit news, Jessica Alba had a women's bathroom closed off for ten minutes so she could relieve herself in private. I hear someone wet her pants while waiting in the very long line Alba created.

- The Spice Girls are reuniting for an eleven show tour at the end of this year. That news makes me really, really, really wanna zigazig ahhhh!! Sorry, that was weak, but I had to do it. Maybe this means a sequel to Spice World?! I sure as hell hope so.

- "The Two Coreys", a reality show featuring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman of '80s fame, will start July 29 on A&E. And I'll be there for every minute of it.

- The Live Earth concert takes place all day this Saturday, 7.7.07, and will air on Bravo.

- This week's "Rescue Me" ended with a bang... And one person isn't so happy about it. Click here to read about it, but only read this if you have seen this week's episode all ready.

- Cameron Diaz's most recent flame, magician Criss Angel aka Mindfreak, has been sued for divorce by a secret wife. Angel has been married to Joanne Sarantakos, but he kept the marriage a secret to vamp up his image with the ladies. Not even a magic trick could make me be attracted to this...



I am pretty busy these days, but I promise to make more of an effort to update the blog and keep you informed of what is going on in the celebrity world. Harassment welcome! Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer!! Happy July 4th!!

Photos: Finalpixx/perezhilton.com, The Smoking Gun, Diane Bondareff / AP file

Who would have thought money (or a fake illness) could get you out of trouble?

During the time I've been slacking off, Paris Hilton has gone to jail, faked an illness to get out of jail, and is now going back to court to possibly return to jail. And I thought I had a busy week! Paris turned herself in on Sunday evening in a way only Paris could...going to jail straight from the MTV Movie Awards. But she didn't forget her swag bags!!

TMZ reported, "Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk. The reason for releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was purely in her head." I wish I could get out of things just by telling people the weird issues I have in my head. I'd claim mental instability any day to get out of manual labor. Paris, always the lady, politely thanked "the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and staff of the Century Regional Detention Center for treating me fairly and professionally. I am going to serve the remaining 40 days of my sentence. I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes." So...Paris was put on house arrest and sent on her merry way. I just hope she got a driver this time.

Buuuttt... Now Paris might be headed back to the slammer. This is like a trial gone awry on "Days of Our Lives". The judge that sentenced Paris to the clink the first go-round is ordering her back to a LA courtroom tomorrow to determine how she should serve the rest of her sentence. Because it was the Sheriff that let her off the hook, the judge and the district attorney are pissed that they were not consulted on the issue. Thus, the reason for the hearing tomorrow. Poor Paris. This morning she thought she would be spending the remaining 40 days of her sentence watching reruns of "The Simple Life" on E! Now Paris might be spending that time back in the slammer... I don't know which is worse.

Here is some other really important stuff that has been going on recently:

- Isaiah Washington, aka Dr. Burke, has officially been fired from "Grey's Anatomy". Who will Yang sleep with to get to the top now? Isaiah got the call today that he will not be returning to Seattle Grace. He was fired "due only in part to [his] onset troubles and was a result of a 'pattern of problematic behavior'." Washington had this to say: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." Hmm... Is referencing the movie Network supposed to mean something?

- Jennifer Aniston's mystery man was revealed as 36-year-old British model Paul Sculfor. The two dined and held hands during Memorial Day weekend.

- Dina Lohan is finally visiting Lindsay in rehab. It only took ten days.

- Speaking of La Lohan, some strange pictures of Linz and Vanessa Minnillo surfaced on the Internet the other day of the two holding a knife and fake stabbing each other in a slutty, S&M way. Sources are saying it could hurt Vanessa's career. Lindsay's already done enough damage to sink her career, so there's no worries there.

- You know how women breastfeed in public and other women say things like, "How beautiful!" or "Look at that cute little baby!" In case you haven't figured this out yet, I'm not one of those women. I encountered an issue at one of my jobs that my bathroom schedule happened to coincide with one woman's breastfeeding schedule. Now, the whirring sound of a breast pump is enough to send me screaming down the hallway whilst pulling my hair out in horror. Well, Maggie Gyllenhaal was spotted breastfeeding in NYC the other day. Thank goodness I was nowhere around. I warn you: view this link with caution.

- Speaking of babies, Baby Borat is on the way. Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher are pregnant with their first child.

- Sarah Jessica Parker's new cost-conscious fashion line "Bitten" debuted today at Steve & Barry's stores across America. If you've actually ever seen a Steve & Barry's, then check it out!

- Larry and Laurie David have split after fourteen years of cynicism and environmental awareness.

- Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi went to rehab today.

- DVDs out this week: "Rescue Me: Season Three", "Seinfeld: Season Eight", "The Cosby Show: Seasons Three and Four". Load up on TV DVDs for lazy summer days.

Now I'm exhausted from the celebrity overload so I'm hitting the hay. Peace.

Fame-Stealers and Jail Terms

- Dina Lohan is trying to steal her daughter's spotlight...yet again. Dina has been hired by "Entertainment Tonight" to interview celebrities as they walk down the red carpet at the Georgia Rule premiere. She wants to launch a high-profile TV career and get Rosie's spot on "The View", but sources say "ET" is just using her to get the Lindsay exclusive during the wake of her recent cocaine scandle. London's News of the World has published pictures of a girl snorting a white substance and claiming it is Lindsay Lohan in a "marathon binge".

- Paris Hilton is pleading with Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her from serving jail time for her crimes. She is also asking her fans to sign a petition to keep her out of that orange jumpsuit. Don't be surprised if you don't find my name on that petition.

- Now this is what I like to hear! A celebrity owning up to their actions! Paris, take notes. George Michael has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of drugs. He stated, "I am perfectly aware that I did something very wrong . . . and I'm perfectly prepared to accept the correct punishment." He will find out what his jail term will be on May 30.

- It's been a rough week for celebrities. Ty Pennington of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" has been charged with a DUI, along with the rest of Hollywood.

- Brittany Murphy has married her boyfriend, Simon Monjack, after only a few short months. Only nine months ago, she broke off her engagement to Joe Macaluso.

- Katie Couric could be out of a job soon. "CBS Evening News" had record low ratings last week.

- Now you can smell "Dirrty" like Christina Aguilera. She is getting her own perfume.

- If you want to know who wins "The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman", then click here.

- Yes! Bravo's "Top Chef" is heading to Miami and premieres June 13 at 10pm.

- For years, I have been hearing how phenomenal "Veronica Mars" is. Well, upon seeing a promo that one of my many boyfriends, Paul Rudd, was going to be on last night, I took the plunge and watched. I came to the conclusion that I haven't been missing much.

- So now the pot has called the kettle "trash". Regarding Britney Spears' rehab relationship with Howie Day, a source says Kevin Federline stated, "You have to head to the dump to find trash, referring to how Britney and Howie met while in rehab.” Britney must have been spending a lot of time in dumps in 2004 when she met you, K-Fed.

Happy Birthday, Suri!

Photo: Vanity Fair

It has been one year since the birth of Suri Cruise (or if you believe the rumors, almost two years). No birthday party plans have been revealed yet. The world's youngest celebutante is sure to have a fabulous affair, most likely in Shreveport, LA, where mother Katie Holmes is currently filming her first movie since she signed her life away/met Tom Cruise. It is called Mad Money and costars Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah. Well, Happy Birthday, Suri! Don't choke on your silver spoon.

- Why even get out of bed in the morning? Without Lindsay Lohan by your side, that is. The egomaniac tells Allure, "When my friends and family are around me I feel like they're safe . . . When my friends have left me - I've just seen everything collapse. They're not safe without me." If you are such a great protector, then what does everyone do while you party all night, go to rehab, and basically only focus on one thing... Lindsay. Newsflash... The world doesn't revolve around you.

- Richard Gere is on fire in India. The people of India are outraged after he dipped Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty and kissed her on the hand and cheek. Public displays of affection are not welcomed in India and his actions have been considered extremely offensive. People have been burning photos of Gere in protest.

- Paris Hilton goes to court on May 4 for her driving violations.

- Isaiah Washington, aka Dr. Burke on "Grey's Anatomy", will play a sexually abused Catholic priest in an upcoming movie, The Least of These.

- Adam McKay, father of nasty landlord Pearl, had an interview with People regarding the hilarious video that has been all over the place recently.

- Kristin Cavallari is selling herself for cash. The reality star has been pushing herself on clubs in LA. They pay her for appearances, hoping to bring in more customers. Now she is peddling her 21st birthday party. I guess you have to make the rent somehow.

- Don't ever wear this again...



Photo: NEILL J. SCHUTZER/ Ramey

Queen Killa

Photo by: Tim Graham / Getty; Tim Ockenden / AP
- Prince William and Kate Middleton (who looks just like Lauren Conrad from "The Hills") have split, making room for me to become the future Queen of England.

- Shia LaBeouf, currently in Disturbia and the world's next biggest star, has signed on to play the role of Indiana Jones' son in the upcoming movie.

- Willa Ford will be starring as Anna Nicole Smith in the movie about her life. In a desperate attempt to become her character (and get some attention), she purchased an exact replica of Anna Nicole's pink bed designed by stereotype Bobby Trendy. Trendy will make a cameo in the movie as himself. This sounds like it will be the finest piece of cinema ever made.

- If you gag easily, do not read this story. Us Weekly reports that Paris Hilton and new man candy Josh Henderson of "Desperate Housewives" participated in a "makeout off" Tuesday night at LA club Area. When Paris saw her ex makeout partner Travis Barker snuggling with his rekindled flame Shanna Moakler, both couples engaged in a contest of disgusting PDAs "as if they were trying to one up each other". They are now in search of a sponsor for the contest and are hoping to make it an Olympic event. I'll let you know when tryouts are announced.

- Looking for some uplifting tunes? My new obsession is Mika's album "Life in Cartoon Motion". I highly suggest downloading it. You might recognize the song "Love Today" as the promo song on some of MTV's commercials for their Monday night lineup.

- Quote of the week: "And, like, I saw these magazines, and they said I was pregnant, and like it’s so true. Like, America, believe everything you read because like you’re smart and I’m stupid. Like for real. C’mon y’all.” - Britney Spears

Paris Hilton arrested...again

Paris Hilton was arrested last night after cops spotted her speeding, then discovered she was driving with a suspended license. She was also arrested on September 7, 2006 and pled no contest to a DUI. Since she has violated her probation, Paris could spend up to 90 days in jail. Or... Daddy Hilton will drop thousands of dollars to keep his daughter out of jail and buy her a brand new Bentley to keep her on the road. Bravo to money.

- Wolfgang Puck might have given celebrities Hepatitis A. He has been employing an infected server for fourteen parties this month, but only four parties remain in question. With 26-45 guests at each party, that is a lot of people he could have infected. But since most people in Hollywood share needles, I'm guessing they probably already had it.

- Kate Walsh, aka Addison on "Grey's Anatomy", will be getting her own spin-off from the show. The rest of the cast is pissed. Apparently, Ellen Pompeo, aka Meredith aka Whiny Bitch, feels she should have been consulted on the issue. Why? Because she is a star! Also, Katherine Heigl, aka Izzie, is upset because she thought she was the one that was going to get her own show. Is it just me, or is Katherine crying about something in the press every single week? So sorry you didn't get your own show, girl, but I think you can manage with your $20,000 an episode.

- Liev Schreiber confirmed on last night's "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" that he and girlfriend Naomi Watts are expecting. He also confirmed that they will not be naming their child Liev, as it is too hard to pronounce. Thank you because I had to spell check that like six times.