Knocked Up: Halle Berry Edition

Today I was riding the elevator at work and the doors opened to reveal... Chris Hansen of NBC's "Dateline: To Catch a Predator". If ever I had a sensation to wet my pants, it was staring into those eyes that have made even the wiliest of pedophiles shake in their boots. For four solemn floors alone on an elevator with Chris Hansen, I kept thinking, "At what point are the cameras going to reveal themselves? No, little girl, I don't want any of your sweet tea!" I was terrified. Guess I didn't do anything wrong because he never even glanced over at me. Whew!

- Halle Berry is with child after being impregnated by her model beau, Gabriel Aubry.

- In other baby news, Paris Hilton is trying to catch up to Nicole Richie by popping out a few. Only problem: she isn't dating anyone. Please... That's just a minor detail. Paris says, "I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready." Perhaps you should just adopt Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. I've heard he's in need of some money.

- Drew Barrymore has been seen making out with the "I'm a Mac" guy Justin Long. That's a weird combo.

- Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams have split after three unexciting years together.

- Jenna Fischer, aka Pam from "The Office", and her husband James Gunn have split after six years together.

- Commercials for the DVD release of Georgia Rule are airing minus one important component... Lindsay Lohan. She has been erased from the commercial, I'm assuming to help sales. Do you mind erasing the horrible memory I have of going to see this terrible train wreck of a movie? Don't believe the hype, people. They advertise it as a hysterical family romp - but it has a more depressing, pedophilia vibe to it. Steer clear, my friends. Heed my warning!

- Poor Owen Wilson. He has had a rough couple of weeks. The National Enquirer is now reporting that he has attempted suicide twice before his most recent effort. And his family is trying to keep Kate Hudson as far away from him as possible, and I can't say that I blame them.

- "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" starts next Thursday, September 13, on F/X at 10PM. Make sure you tune in! It's awesome, and wrong, but totally awesome!

I must now pack for the weekend and get some sleep!!

Photo: MSNBC

Transform Your Mind!

I'm one of those people that will go see a movie even if I think it looks stupid. I want to see it so when people bring it up, I can go, "UGH!! That movie was awful! I can't believe you liked it. I mean, if I have to watch Cameron Diaz shake her ass one more time..." But I will see Cameron Diaz shake her ass one more time because I will inevitably see her next terrible movie...just to complain about it. It is a vicious cycle, my friends.

Well, this is what I was expecting when I entered the theater to see Transformers. All I knew about it was that there was some cartoon when we were little about cars that transform into robots or something weird like that and the kid from "Even Stevens" who is "the next Tom Hanks" was in it. But I also knew it was supposed to be the biggest movie of the summer, so I figured why the hell not? It'll give me something to complain about. Boy, was I ever wrong! This movie is awesome! Never in a million years did I think robot battles would be something I would be interested in, but it is! The digital work on this film is unbelievable! I actually believed Optimus Prime and Megatron were flying through the sky right at me! I kept hearing about how Shia LaBeouf is going to be the biggest star ever after this movie and I never doubted that fact. But now, I am a converted Shia lover! His comedic timing is priceless. I didn't think this movie would be funny, but it is quite entertaining in both drama and comedy. A dramedy, if you will.

Transformers isn't just for guys, but I will say that, of course, it appeals to men more than women. But seriously, who wouldn't believe that women in the CIA are eighteen and straight out of Playboy? C'mon, you know that's like a requirement to even be considered by the CIA. So if you have nothing to do one day, I highly recommend heading to the cinema to see Transformers. I found it thoroughly entertaining.

But on with the news...

- Us Weekly's cover this week features Nicole Richie and the line "Yes, She's Pregnant!" Sources also say she will be marrying the papa, Joel Madden of the band Good Charlotte. This is a pretty elaborate scheme to get out of the slammer if you ask me. Hopefully now she will eat something.

- E! News is reporting that Christina Aguilera is expecting a bundle of joy with her husband, Jordan Bratman.

- Heaven help us... Paris Hilton is taking acting classes.

- The "Sex and the City" movie is back on. Women across America rejoice and break out your Manolos, condoms, and Cosmopolitans!

- Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were photographed getting down and dirty in a hot tub in Mexico on their anniversary. Nick had this to say about the scandal: "I was in Mexico with my girlfriend of a year, celebrating our anniversary on a private vacation. It's not like I was caught with a Mexican hooker."

- Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are supposedly getting married Friday (but I've also heard Saturday).

- Johnny Knoxville has filed for divorce after twelve years of marriage. Funny that he is the one filing for divorce. I didn't think any woman could put up with him at all, much less his love of nose candy, broken bones, stapling body parts together, letting alligators bite his nipples, getting hit with paint balls... Shall I go on?

- Drew Barrymore has been seen making out with... Zach Braff? Huh?! I didn't see this one coming!

- Perez Hilton is reporting that Rachael Ray and her husband, John Cusimano, are breaking up. However, Us Weekly says this rumor is just crap...like Rachael's food!

- Nelly Furtado is engaged to some dude named Demo Castellon.

- And finally, I'd like to explain to Britney Spears that an acting part in a movie is spelled "role". The Little Debbie snack she loves is called a Chocolate "Roll". I can see how she'd get confused... This is what Britney wrote on her website:



Photos: perezhilton.com, Wire Image, Us Weekly, Britney Spears' Website

People's Most Beautiful 2007

Drew Barrymore will grace the cover of People magazine as their Most Beautiful for 2007. Also making the not-so-shocking list, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl, Matthew McConaughey, Helen Mirren, and Pete Wentz (?????????). Pete is the furthest from attractive in my mind, but you all know my distaste for eyeliner on guys. Unless they are dressed like women.

- Vanessa Minnillo will be leaving "TRL" after four glorious years of pushing videos on teenagers. She says, "I don't want to be 48 going, 'Hey kids, now it’s Sean Preston Spears’ video!'"

- Kirsten Dunst is just too cool. She claims she "will never date another actor again." Whatever.

- Beyonce has yanked her album "B'Day - Deluxe Edition" because she is being sued for stealing one of Des'ree's songs. That's what you get for being such a beyotch, Beyonce.

Photo: Stewart Shining