Pop Guru's Annual Oscar Fashion Review!

Well, the beauty of borrowing internet is that it's unpredictable - I couldn't post my fashion review last night because my internet was out.  Guess I should pay for it!  What a fab show on Sunday!  Hugh Jackman, in all his girlish glory, actually did a pretty good job as the host.  I really liked the musical numbers, and what would any award show be without Beyonce forcibly thrusting herself into the spotlight.  The Oscars have nothing to do with you, you egotistical maniac!   You and Mama Tina need to realize the Dreamgirls moment has passed and finally accept the fact that Jennifer Hudson aka "American Idol" has an Oscar and you never will!  Beyonce is one unnecessary parade away from being Tyra Banks.

Although the show was ridiculously long, I loved the way past Oscar winners came out to introduce each nominee in the main categories.  Ben Stiller's impersonation of Joaquin Phoenix was hysterical and finally convinced me it's all a hoax.  My favorite moment by far was when Kate Winslet yelled out, "Dad, whistle or something so then I'll know where you are!"  So cute, and I'm really so happy for her that she was finally given the award she deserved.  Although, not so happy she chose such a matronly dress and hairdo.  Just cause you got the golden statue doesn't mean you need to dress like a Golden Girl!

I know I'm not the only one who thought it was cold hearted that they showed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie during Jennifer Aniston's moment on stage. It was expected but I thought The Oscars might be better than that - boy, was I wrong! That was just so tacky. I absolutely loved Jennifer's hair, although it was "Hills" hair and I'll just have to come to terms with my support of that. Oh, who am I kidding?! I sport a ginormous Lauren Conrad Mark by Avon ring!

Now on to the fashion... Wasn't much to look at this year!  Most of it was humdrum or flat out ugly.  I'm talking about you, Miley.  I'm not sure if the stars are pulling a Nicolette Sheridan and being their own stylists because of the recession, but whatever the reason, they need a fashion bailout plan FAST!

Best Dressed:

Though Tina Fey didn't walk the red carpet, she was one of the most stunning of the night!  This dress fit her like a glove and it was just the right amount of cleavage, not overboard like she was at the Golden Globes!

Diane Lane hardly looked a day over 40! This really doesn't do her justice because she glowed on TV!

Taraji P. Henson was so cute and grateful to even be at The Oscars, but she really pulled off a classic red carpet look.  I loved her hair!  The small red handbag added just the right pop of color to the crisp white dress.

Ugh, as much as I hate to say nice things about Skeletor, I liked this ensemble.  Classic black dress with a grandiose flair by pairing it with sparkling green earrings.  I thought Debbie Matenopolus was going to hurl herself from the scaffolding upon Angelina Jolie when she arrived.  Debbie actually forgot she was on TV and started screeching "ANGIE!!!" and jumping up and down.  Like a real professional.  Debbie was having a major sugar rush from the one Skittle she had eaten that day, so her hysteria when she saw her Anorexia Idol was completely understandable.

By far the best and most fabulous of the night!  Natalie Portman dared to wear a flashy color, yet didn't overdo it a la Heidi Klum and opted for minimal jewelry.  Sophisticated yet bold - ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!

Worst Dressed:

Let ze Heidi Klum drape zeself in a red satin sheet that corresponds with ze gazillion Diet Coke Heart Healthy commercials that aired during ze telecast - no one will ever be ze wiser to ze subliminal messaging!  Oh Zack Morris, how you have taught me so much in ze ways of wiling women!  Auf wiedersehen!

Why must such a gorgeous girl pick such a terrible dress!  Freida Pinto has chosen gorgeous dresses all season long, and now she chooses this wretched thing with the mono sleeve?  Ew.  I have never been a fan of the one sleeve look - sleeves are meant to come with a partner or not at all!

Aside from looking like a rock opera costume gone wrong, Marion Cotillard's dress can't seem to decide if it wants to be short or long.  It cuts off mid-thigh, then decides to vomit out a mountain of tulle.  

Um, no.  Vanessa Hudgens looks like a teen Elvira.  Why must Disney Teens invade my award shows?  Doesn't she have a Nickelodeon's Kid Choice Awards she should be at right now?

Miley Cyrus = Hot Mess.  I don't even know what this is.  I feel as if it is something that might come from the sea, some kind of crackwhore mermaid emerging from the water to post YouTube videos and slowly destroy humanity.

This picture proves we should never let Whoopi Goldberg out of her cage.

Sarah Jessica Parker aka Wedding Barbie came out to play.

So did her boobs.

Be careful, Zac Efron.  We've watched a young hunk stop washing his hair and lose his charming good looks once before.  It can be a gradual decent into the pits of Bonaduce, but it can happen to you...

Just ask Mickey Rourke.

Photos: AP Images

New Managers, Losing Kids, and Snake Venom

With all of my newfound fame, I guess I have to update more often now, huh?


- Britney Spears got herself a new manager, y'all! Not that anything will help her at this point, but Brit Brit has hired Jeff Kwatinez to manage her career... A man Kelly Clarkson once fired. I wonder what he will propose to save her from entertainment extinction?

- Oops, she did it again. I can't believe I just said that. Britney Spears actually made a smart move for once. Instead of a repeat performance of her now infamous greasy fingers OK! magazine feature, Britney canceled her interview with Allure four times. She did participate in the photo shoot for the mag and will be the September cover girl but since she never took the time to actually speak to the magazine, they are running a cover article with the title “Britney Spears: Tells Us Nothing and Everything.” I guess my mom was right... Silence is golden.

- Paris Hilton got a rash in jail? Are you sure she didn't have that before she turned herself in?

- There have been reports that Madonna may not be able to adopt little Malawian David, who I totally forgot existed. But Madge says not to worry about her expanding brood. “The information regarding the adoption that was reported on Reuters is simply not accurate,” Madonna’s rep Liz Rosenberg tells 24Sizzler.com.

- Turns out Jack Nicholson might have a couple of illegitimate children. Is anyone surprised? This man is known for sleeping with a different woman every day of the week, so I'm sure there's been a couple of accidents here or there. A new unauthorized biography is claiming that Jack has fathered a handicapped son and refuses to accept paternity. In Five Easy Decades, author Dennis McDougal writes that Nicholson is "known 'by most counts' to have one legitimate daughter and five love children". He also says, "There are two other possibles whom those closest to Jack whisper about, including one young man who lives with handicaps brought on by his actress mother's drug abuse... These are among the closely held secrets he has generally succeeded in keeping from his fans." Abe Somer, Jack's lawyer, tells Page Six, "The allegations of the handicapped son are false and inaccurate. There is no handicapped son of Mr. Nicholson."

- Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are about to duke it out in court again. Charlie wants to get rid of those pesky supervisors required during his time with his children, Lola and Sam. Page Six reports that Denise wants another baby so bad, that she even asked Charlie to father a new child. Charlie, however, is engaged to Brooke Mueller. Denise reportedly sent flowers to congratulate the newly engaged couple, but a source claims that Brooke never received any flowers but did receive an emergency call from Denise. When Brooke arrived to meet Denise and the kids, there was no emergency, but there was paparazzi conveniently at the scene. Denise denies this stating, "I did ask both Charlie and Brooke to lunch to see the kids - he hadn't seen them in two weeks - but only Brooke took me up on it. The paparazzi were already following me, as they do every day, and took a picture - and I have the bill for the flowers I sent from Mark's Garden. Brooke even showed my nanny the flowers." I wonder if those flowers stunk of shit like Denise's story?

- In other child custody news, Anne Heche and ex Coley Laffoon have been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluations to determine who should get custody of their son, Homer. Forget all the legal stuff anymore. Is there a way to just start taking kids from celebrities? Someone should look into that. (Ahem, Los Angeles Child Services - this means you.)

- Justin Timberlake is collaborating with Madonna and... Reba?!

- Gwyneth Paltrow uses snake venom as a cure for wrinkles? That's one of the weirdest things I've ever heard, but I'd probably try it as an alternative to the needles that come along with Botox.

- Maddox Jolie-Pitt turned six this weekend.

- Ah, election time. Rock the Vote, but remember it's your choice to keep your vote private. Or you can just be like celebrities and make your donations very well known. Below is a list of the political candidates and who is supporting them (and what some donated).

Team Obama: Jennifer Aniston ($2300), Halle Berry ($2300), Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, George Clooney, Tyra Banks
Team Clinton: Martha Stewart ($4600), Donald Trump Jr. ($4000)
Team Giuliani: Kelsey Grammar ($2300), Ben Stein ($750)

- If you've got some time to kill, I recommend watching several episodes of "Clark and Michael". It follows the adventures of Michael Cera (who those of you who are awesome know as George-Michael Bluth from "Arrested Development" and the upcoming Superbad) and BFF Clark Duke as they try to sell their script to the big-wigs in LA, to no avail. The interaction between the two is awkward but lovable and the rejection is hilarious, with one exec telling Michael he lacks appeal to audiences because of his lack of a jaw. The episodes are online though, so be prepared to spend some time in front of your computer. The opening credits themselves are pretty hysterical and so 80's, making that alone worth the first few minutes.

- This t-shirt is at the top of my birthday list...



Photos: Thesuperficial.com; shop.hasselhoff.com.

Who would have thought money (or a fake illness) could get you out of trouble?

During the time I've been slacking off, Paris Hilton has gone to jail, faked an illness to get out of jail, and is now going back to court to possibly return to jail. And I thought I had a busy week! Paris turned herself in on Sunday evening in a way only Paris could...going to jail straight from the MTV Movie Awards. But she didn't forget her swag bags!!

TMZ reported, "Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk. The reason for releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was purely in her head." I wish I could get out of things just by telling people the weird issues I have in my head. I'd claim mental instability any day to get out of manual labor. Paris, always the lady, politely thanked "the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and staff of the Century Regional Detention Center for treating me fairly and professionally. I am going to serve the remaining 40 days of my sentence. I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes." So...Paris was put on house arrest and sent on her merry way. I just hope she got a driver this time.

Buuuttt... Now Paris might be headed back to the slammer. This is like a trial gone awry on "Days of Our Lives". The judge that sentenced Paris to the clink the first go-round is ordering her back to a LA courtroom tomorrow to determine how she should serve the rest of her sentence. Because it was the Sheriff that let her off the hook, the judge and the district attorney are pissed that they were not consulted on the issue. Thus, the reason for the hearing tomorrow. Poor Paris. This morning she thought she would be spending the remaining 40 days of her sentence watching reruns of "The Simple Life" on E! Now Paris might be spending that time back in the slammer... I don't know which is worse.

Here is some other really important stuff that has been going on recently:

- Isaiah Washington, aka Dr. Burke, has officially been fired from "Grey's Anatomy". Who will Yang sleep with to get to the top now? Isaiah got the call today that he will not be returning to Seattle Grace. He was fired "due only in part to [his] onset troubles and was a result of a 'pattern of problematic behavior'." Washington had this to say: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." Hmm... Is referencing the movie Network supposed to mean something?

- Jennifer Aniston's mystery man was revealed as 36-year-old British model Paul Sculfor. The two dined and held hands during Memorial Day weekend.

- Dina Lohan is finally visiting Lindsay in rehab. It only took ten days.

- Speaking of La Lohan, some strange pictures of Linz and Vanessa Minnillo surfaced on the Internet the other day of the two holding a knife and fake stabbing each other in a slutty, S&M way. Sources are saying it could hurt Vanessa's career. Lindsay's already done enough damage to sink her career, so there's no worries there.

- You know how women breastfeed in public and other women say things like, "How beautiful!" or "Look at that cute little baby!" In case you haven't figured this out yet, I'm not one of those women. I encountered an issue at one of my jobs that my bathroom schedule happened to coincide with one woman's breastfeeding schedule. Now, the whirring sound of a breast pump is enough to send me screaming down the hallway whilst pulling my hair out in horror. Well, Maggie Gyllenhaal was spotted breastfeeding in NYC the other day. Thank goodness I was nowhere around. I warn you: view this link with caution.

- Speaking of babies, Baby Borat is on the way. Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher are pregnant with their first child.

- Sarah Jessica Parker's new cost-conscious fashion line "Bitten" debuted today at Steve & Barry's stores across America. If you've actually ever seen a Steve & Barry's, then check it out!

- Larry and Laurie David have split after fourteen years of cynicism and environmental awareness.

- Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi went to rehab today.

- DVDs out this week: "Rescue Me: Season Three", "Seinfeld: Season Eight", "The Cosby Show: Seasons Three and Four". Load up on TV DVDs for lazy summer days.

Now I'm exhausted from the celebrity overload so I'm hitting the hay. Peace.

People's Most Beautiful 2007

Drew Barrymore will grace the cover of People magazine as their Most Beautiful for 2007. Also making the not-so-shocking list, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl, Matthew McConaughey, Helen Mirren, and Pete Wentz (?????????). Pete is the furthest from attractive in my mind, but you all know my distaste for eyeliner on guys. Unless they are dressed like women.

- Vanessa Minnillo will be leaving "TRL" after four glorious years of pushing videos on teenagers. She says, "I don't want to be 48 going, 'Hey kids, now it’s Sean Preston Spears’ video!'"

- Kirsten Dunst is just too cool. She claims she "will never date another actor again." Whatever.

- Beyonce has yanked her album "B'Day - Deluxe Edition" because she is being sued for stealing one of Des'ree's songs. That's what you get for being such a beyotch, Beyonce.

Photo: Stewart Shining