Who would have thought money (or a fake illness) could get you out of trouble?

During the time I've been slacking off, Paris Hilton has gone to jail, faked an illness to get out of jail, and is now going back to court to possibly return to jail. And I thought I had a busy week! Paris turned herself in on Sunday evening in a way only Paris could...going to jail straight from the MTV Movie Awards. But she didn't forget her swag bags!!

TMZ reported, "Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk. The reason for releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was purely in her head." I wish I could get out of things just by telling people the weird issues I have in my head. I'd claim mental instability any day to get out of manual labor. Paris, always the lady, politely thanked "the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and staff of the Century Regional Detention Center for treating me fairly and professionally. I am going to serve the remaining 40 days of my sentence. I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes." So...Paris was put on house arrest and sent on her merry way. I just hope she got a driver this time.

Buuuttt... Now Paris might be headed back to the slammer. This is like a trial gone awry on "Days of Our Lives". The judge that sentenced Paris to the clink the first go-round is ordering her back to a LA courtroom tomorrow to determine how she should serve the rest of her sentence. Because it was the Sheriff that let her off the hook, the judge and the district attorney are pissed that they were not consulted on the issue. Thus, the reason for the hearing tomorrow. Poor Paris. This morning she thought she would be spending the remaining 40 days of her sentence watching reruns of "The Simple Life" on E! Now Paris might be spending that time back in the slammer... I don't know which is worse.

Here is some other really important stuff that has been going on recently:

- Isaiah Washington, aka Dr. Burke, has officially been fired from "Grey's Anatomy". Who will Yang sleep with to get to the top now? Isaiah got the call today that he will not be returning to Seattle Grace. He was fired "due only in part to [his] onset troubles and was a result of a 'pattern of problematic behavior'." Washington had this to say: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." Hmm... Is referencing the movie Network supposed to mean something?

- Jennifer Aniston's mystery man was revealed as 36-year-old British model Paul Sculfor. The two dined and held hands during Memorial Day weekend.

- Dina Lohan is finally visiting Lindsay in rehab. It only took ten days.

- Speaking of La Lohan, some strange pictures of Linz and Vanessa Minnillo surfaced on the Internet the other day of the two holding a knife and fake stabbing each other in a slutty, S&M way. Sources are saying it could hurt Vanessa's career. Lindsay's already done enough damage to sink her career, so there's no worries there.

- You know how women breastfeed in public and other women say things like, "How beautiful!" or "Look at that cute little baby!" In case you haven't figured this out yet, I'm not one of those women. I encountered an issue at one of my jobs that my bathroom schedule happened to coincide with one woman's breastfeeding schedule. Now, the whirring sound of a breast pump is enough to send me screaming down the hallway whilst pulling my hair out in horror. Well, Maggie Gyllenhaal was spotted breastfeeding in NYC the other day. Thank goodness I was nowhere around. I warn you: view this link with caution.

- Speaking of babies, Baby Borat is on the way. Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher are pregnant with their first child.

- Sarah Jessica Parker's new cost-conscious fashion line "Bitten" debuted today at Steve & Barry's stores across America. If you've actually ever seen a Steve & Barry's, then check it out!

- Larry and Laurie David have split after fourteen years of cynicism and environmental awareness.

- Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi went to rehab today.

- DVDs out this week: "Rescue Me: Season Three", "Seinfeld: Season Eight", "The Cosby Show: Seasons Three and Four". Load up on TV DVDs for lazy summer days.

Now I'm exhausted from the celebrity overload so I'm hitting the hay. Peace.

What else happened this weekend...

- Mischa Barton went to the hospital on Sunday due to "an adverse reaction to medication". Hmmm... Are you sure about that? Mischa was at a BBQ at Nicole Richie's best friend's house, apparently named Masha (uh, what?) and was taken to the hospital after her little episode. Perez Hilton claims that the actress "did so many mushrooms - in addition to a lot of cocaine - that she thought she was dying!" From what I have heard about Mischa, the latter may have some truth to it.

- Nicole Richie's email invitation to the guests for the above Memorial Day BBQ is as follows:

From: Nicole Richie < xxxxxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxxxxxx.xxx > To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Subject: Masha and Nicole's Memorial Day Party Date: Thu 24 Ma 2007 04:29:29 +0000

My fellow Americans its that time of year To celebrate our country by drinking massive amounts of beer Let's stand together as one, live the American dream Take shots, pass out, & wake up with our pants ripped open at the seems Let's glorify this day in your sluttiest tops and your tightest pair of tsubi jeans Even though we have no f***ing clue what Memorial Day really means!!

Mashas House
Sunday May 28th, at 2pm
XXXXX Crest Court
Beverly Hills, Ca 90210

There will be a scale at the front door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now. See you all then!!!

Please make sure to RSVP as this is a large party and we need to keep track of who's coming. Thanks

Damn those weight limits! I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to get in.

- Ashley Judd's husband, Dario Franchitti, won the Indy 500 this weekend.

- I feel sorry for those working at the MTV Movie Awards, which airs this Sunday. Now that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are dating, producers are working overtime to avoid a conflict with Timberlake's ex, Cameron Diaz. At the most recent Golden Globes, Cam saw Justin flirting with Jessica and "blew up" at her ex. Both Cameron and Jessica are presenters at this weekend's event and producers want to make sure the two will never see each other. Good luck! I wasn't planning on watching this year (who am I kidding? I will watch the reruns for sure), but this gives me a fantastic reason to tune in.

- It was all smiles and politeness today on "The View". Barbara Walters talked about how much she will miss her dear friend Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck claimed that she and Ro had "been emailing each other all weekend" and were in the process of making amends. However, Rosie's calling Elisabeth a liar. She wrote on her blog, Elisabeth "spoke to kelli/we had one e mail exchange". This bitchfest is never going to end.

Photo: Pham-MBF/X17

Bad Holiday Weekend for La Lohan

Hope everyone had a fantastic Memorial Day! I wanted to get this post up much, much earlier today, but my Internet had other plans.

While everyone was getting wasted this weekend, so was Lindsay Lohan. La Lohan was arrested early Saturday morning after she drove her car up onto a curb and then fled the scene of the crime. Cops found her in a Century City hospital and her car in a condo parking lot with lots o' damage. There was also a "usable amount" of cocaine found in the car. She was arrested and later released. To make matters worse, Lindsay is still under 21. A few months ago, she left Wonderland, a rehab center where she was an outpatient.

In one of the dumbest moves ever, La Lohan had lined up Svedka Vodka to sponsor her 21st birthday party in July. When you have just gone to rehab to help your image, getting a vodka company to sponsor your birthday is not a smart decision. But she didn't ask me. However, Svedka Vodka has dropped out of the party after Lohan's DUI bust.

And I guess her way of dealing with the embarrassment was to drown her sorrows because the New York Post featured the above picture of LiLo today with the headline "SMASHED!" Lindsay and her friend Samantha Ronson arrived at Teddy's in LA at 2am Monday morning and stayed for two hours. Here's some of what they had to say about what happened when they left Teddy's:

When the "Herbie: Fully Loaded" star left, she stumbled through the back door and dropped her red sunglasses and cigarettes. She bent to pick them up and collapsed, a witness said. A bouncer scooped her off the floor by her waist, and a freaked-out Ronson ran to get the car.

The bouncer placed Lohan, who had a cut on her left hand, into the passenger seat of the GMC - which had three plastic medallions from rehab treatment, each indicating 30 days of sobriety, hanging from the rearview mirror.

"She couldn't stand up anymore," said one witness. "She couldn't even move when she got in the car. Samantha was poking her. She didn't respond. She was totally passed out."

Lindsay entered Promises rehab yesterday while escorted by a lawyer. Here is the statement her publicist made today:

"Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

I know you may think that hell will freeze over before I feel sorry for Lindsay, but that was truly my first instinct in this case. I hope she actually participates in her rehab program this time and gets some serious help. I hope her dad stops making ridiculous statements to the press about how much he loves his daughter and that he wants to get in contact with her while he reveals details about her personal life. Please Michael Lohan, leave your daughter alone, quit embarrassing her, and stop adding fuel to the media fire. Lindsay will reportedly not be starting work on her new film Poor Things with Shirley Maclaine until after about a month of treatment when she will be given outpatient rights. In the meantime, I'm sure we will be hearing a lot more about the situation and I'll do my best to keep you updated.

Photo: X17online

This Just In...

Rosie O'Donnell will not be returning to "The View". She was supposed to fulfill her contract until June 20, but she decided to peace out early.

Here's what everybody had to say for themselves:

Rosie: "I'm extremely grateful. It's been an amazing year and I love all three women."
Translation: I hate you bitches. This year has been the worst year of my life. Even worse than the year my Broadway play Taboo with Boy George bombed! I hate Donald Trump and all of you. I don't know how you did it, Hasselbeck, but somehow you roped the network into siding with you over me. Damn you, Hasselbeck! Damn you!!

Barbara Walters: "I brought Rosie to the show. Rosie contributed to one of our most exciting and successful years at 'The View'. I am most appreciative. Our close and affectionate relationship will not change."
Translation: What the hell was I thinking to bring Rosie on the show? I must have been on crack or something. If it weren't for the enormous ratings boost because of all the controversy, I would have fired her ass a long time ago. I will never speak to Rosie O'Donnell again.

ABC: "We had hoped that Rosie would be with us until the end of her contract three weeks from now, but Rosie has informed us that she would like an early leave. Therefore, we part ways, thank her for her tremendous contribution to 'The View' and wish her well."
Translation: We are so excited to wash our hands of constantly having to release statements in support of such a monster. Good riddance, Rosie. Don't let the camera hit you in the face on the way out!

Maybe I should try to get Rosie's empty chair at "The View" table!

Picture: MSNBC Media

Peppers Baby, Natalie Portman, and more "View" news

Devastating news. It's going to be a loooong time before Anthony Kiedis and I get together, as it is meant to be. I found out yesterday that the 44 year old lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and his 20 year old model girlfriend, Heather Christie, are expecting a baby. I guess we can just be friends, Anthony.



- Oh, diss! Leonardo Dicaprio snubbed Jessica Simpson at the Vanity Fair party Saturday night. Jessica didn't fit in with the crowd and she "spent the whole night following Leonardo DiCaprio around like a lost puppy... He just seemed freaked out and kind of ignored her." He was probably pissed because all of her fake hair was depleting the Ozone.

- Us Weekly is reporting that Natalie Portman might be dating Andy Samberg of "Saturday Night Live". Uhhh... I thought I heard this like a year ago.

- DVR users are upset that the ending of "American Idol" was cut off by the recording devices because it ran longer than scheduled and Jordin Sparks wasn't even crowned the newest "Idol" until 10:03pm. DVR cut off at 10pm. I'm sorry, but why are you upset about this? You should be thanking DVR from saving you from the horror that is Ryan Seacrest.

- Tori Spelling caused a small amount of controversy when she and her husband, Dean McDermott, first got together because they were both still married and he had a newly adopted daughter. Now his ex, Mary Jo Eustace, is talking to People about how he left her. Dean said, "I'm not leaving the kids ... I'm leaving you." Ouch.

- There may be a reunion of "The State" in our futures!! Nothing is confirmed as of yet.

- The war between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting ugly! Now Rosie won't be back on "The View" until Tuesday. Rosie posted some weird ass video on her blog today that shows pictures of Elisabeth and Barbara Walters while playing Cyndi Lauper's "Sisters of Avalon" in the background. Go here to watch it. Even Rosie's friends are getting in on the action. Janette Barber, Ro's chief writer, was supposedly escorted from ABC for drawing moustaches on posters of Elisabeth Hasselbeck. How juvenile can you be? Though, is it bad that I think that is hysterical?



Pictures from Celebrity Baby Blog and Perezhilton.com.

2007 Cannes Film Festival

Thought you all might be interested in seeing some of the pictures from the Cannes Film Festival. There are lots, lots more, but these are the ones I thought you might like to see. All photos courtesy of Wireimage.com, unless otherwise noted. Sorry about the watermarks on the pics. Send me money to join if you'd like your pics without them!


This is the first time in like four years that Angelina Jolie has worn a color other than black. It is an extremely nice change of pace and I hope she keeps it up!


Closeup of Brangelina


The supposed sex partners during filming of Ocean's Thirteen, Ellen Barkin and George Clooney


George again


Quentin Tarantino and the scariest man in Hollywood, Harvey Weinstein


Jude Law at the premiere of My Blueberry Nights


Jude and Norah Jones, who has her first acting gig in My Blueberry Nights


Kerry Washington


Holy crap! Look how short this guy is! That is Brett Ratner with Kimora Lee Simmons (or maybe just Kimora Lee now that she and Russell Simmons are separated). I'll admit I just put this up so you could see how short he is. From the way he gets girls to obsess about him (Lindsay Lohan), I just pictured him to be this huge dude. I have been proven wrong on that assumption.


The always lovely Eva Mendes


Julianne Moore


I put this one up for the Adrian Grenier obsessors


I have no idea why Jessica Simpson is at Cannes. She has as much right to be there as I do.


Jerry Seinfeld dressed as a bee to promote his new Bee Movie


Jake Gyllenhaal and Chloe Sevigny at the premiere of Zodiac


When the hell did Tilda Swinton turn into Miranda from "Sex and the City"?


I couldn't resist. The last film Anna Nicole Smith ever made debuted at Cannes this year. Looks like a winner!

And the best one of all...



Mischa Barton smoking her "hand-rolled cigarettes" on a yacht during the festivities

"American Idol" winner, dating news, and Tyra Banks

Hello again! Sorry it has been so long without a new post. I know all of you have just been dying to hear from me! Here's what I have cared about (or not cared about) in the last week or so:


- Jordin Sparks won "American Idol" last night. I know that is a girl, but that's about it. Some tool with frosted tips lost.

- A battle began on "The View" yesterday between... You guessed it! Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Something about troops being terrorists or some nonsense.

The fight went something like this:

Rosie - "I'm a liberal!"
Elisabeth - "I'm a conservative!"
Rosie - "Donald Trump is to blame for all the wars in the world!"
Elisabeth - "You're being glib! How annoying can I possibly be?!"

I may be taking some liberties there, but I'm pretty sure that was the basic plot of the argument. Go here to watch the video and see what really happened. Now Rosie may be leaving the show early. She is set to leave in three weeks. Rosie wasn't on "The View" today, but she's just gone for her partner Kelli's birthday.

- I regret to inform you that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" are engaged. She's 20, by the way. Congratulations. I'll let you know when they file for divorce.

- Ohhhh... Dina Lohan just got BUSTED! She told Us, "I've read all these things, like I said I'm the White Oprah ... I've never said that in my entire life! It's completely ridiculous." Is it? IS IT? Because she told Star Magazine last year, "I love to talk. Lindsay's friends call me 'The White Oprah' because they all come to me with their problems." You liar!

- "KISS MY FAT ASS!" These were the words we heard Tyra Banks scream as she slapped her own ass on her talk show a few months ago. After months of talking about how much she doesn't care that she's fat and how she worked so hard all those years as a model that they are willing to retouch her now, Tyra is eating her words. Well, I guess actually "lean turkey sandwiches and loads of fresh-cut veggies and fruit." Ty-ty has gone on a diet and has lost thirty pounds recently, despite being oh-so comfortable with her weight. Girl couldn't even last five months with what some of us have lasted twenty years. Weak!

- I found this article on MSN today. MSN proposes to VH1 which celebrities they want for "Celebreality" shows. My suggestion for a VH1 reality show: I hate to admit this, but Tyra Banks. I would watch it. Every day probably. I just want a camera to follow her around all day so I can make fun of everything she does. She's like my heroin (not heroine, as in hero... I mean the drug). I resist the urge to partake in any of Tyra's television shows daily. But sure enough, Wednesday at 8pm rolls around and I'm right in front of the TV anxious to see what idiotic stuff Tyra will do on "America's Next Top Model". Then I get in my bed to go to sleep and get sucked in to reruns of "The Tyra Banks Show" on Oxygen. I mean really, how am I supposed to sleep when Tyra has an "America's Next Top Drag Queen" contest going on? She is to blame for my insomnia. There's just so much joy every time I see that pained look in her eye when she introduces a new segment on her talk show, like "I'm so embarrassed to be saying this but... Please welcome Stacia, who is a two foot tall stripper." So VH1, the crack-addicted side of my personality begs of you to start a reality show with Tyra Banks as the star. But the side of me that wants to have a life begs of you never to give her more air time...EVER!

- Nicole Richie claims she is not in rehab though The National Enquirer and Star are reporting that Nicole has been in rehab for a pain-killer addiction and anorexia and that she weighs 83 pounds.

- Brittany Murphy might have married Simon Monjack to keep him from getting deported.

- Oprah's dad is writing a book about her and she is pissed.

- Amy Winehouse married Blake Fielder-Civil last weekend.

- Donna Lynn Hogan wants to be just like sissy Anna Nicole Smith. She is giving herself a birthday present of new boobs and dying her hair bleach blonde. This is all in attempt to make it in Playboy. This from the woman who wrote Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith.

- Napoleon Dynamite star Jon Heder and his wife, Kirsten, had a girl named Evan Jane Heder this week.

- Cameron Diaz might be dating "Mindfreak" Criss Angel. Most of you know my theory about couples looking alike, and I can see a resemblance here. If you can get past all the eyeliner and hair...on him.

- Jessica Simpson and John Mayer broke up. Or they didn't. I don't know! I'm so confused!

- "Weeds" is coming back August 13. Guess who is stopping by Agrestic? Mary-Kate Olsen... What the hell?

- "Big Love" starts it's second season with a move to Monday nights on June 11.

Wow! That was a lot of stuff I neglected to report on! I'm sure there's a lot I missed, so there may be a few updates in your near future!

Photo by: Frank Micelotta / Getty